She is the companion of my life. Her joy at the sight, the touch of me, opens a place in my heart that exists only for her. To some, the door to this place is closed, to others it is ajar, but for her, it does not exist.
When she comes to me I put all else aside and attend to her needs, for I would not reject one touch, one look, that she offers me.
I talk to her of the hours I have spent away from her and how I miss her nearness. I remind her of her beauty and how much I love her. No other living thing can compete for that which we share. There are no barriers between us, no disappointment or harsh words to remember. Her touch banishes all doubts, all fears, all regrets, all sadness.
I know the day will come when she will have to leave me but at the moment of her departure I will be with her, holding her and loving her, and reminding her that there is a special place in my heart that belongs only to her. She will know, as I know, that we will always be part of each other, and that one day when she again touches my face with her paw and strokes her whiskers against my cheek, my broken heart will be whole.
Battle of Wills
Grace came to me in a strange way. An unexpected way. I saw not the flash of light as Paul on the road to Damascus. I had no dark night of the soul like John. Little by little, Grace crept into my life and awakened the recognition of my soul which had lain in readiness for the day when I bid it welcome into my life.
I did not consider myself a good person or a bad one, but the way of Ego was to make itself the substance of my being. It was a sleeping giant. Only when Grace allowed the awareness of my soul did Ego fire up in defence of itself. It fought hard when it realised its back was against the wall. When those tactics diminished in strength, it hissed and it mocked, and then tried the gentle ways of seduction. It was a fight for survival, and the battles were long and hard.
Each time I retreated from the battlefield, weary and in pain, Grace was there to ease my wounds and comfort me. Each time I returned there, it was with a little more strength. I fought many battles with Ego. Sometimes I won, other times I lost, but with the help of Grace, I never lost faith that I could win the war.
One day, I stood on the battlefield and watched Ego march towards me. It looked strong and determined, with the air of a victor. I was weary and had thoughts of defeat. Then Grace appeared by my side and handed me a golden suit of armour. I put it on and turned to face Ego. The sun was reflected in the gold and Ego was blinded. It had no choice but to turn its back and retreat.
Ego then became a sniper and now engages in skirmishes. It shoots thoughts from behind the bushes, and sometimes it hits its mark. But it knows, as I know, that with Grace on my side, the war is over.
I wasn’t there with you in your final hour.
I didn’t hold your hand or kiss your cheek.
The sadness of your passing made all the worse,
because I had left you in your time of need.
Regret is something that ate away at my heart;
for things I didn’t do and words I didn’t say.
I tried to put it out of my mind, but to no avail.
The regret came back and hurt me again each day.
I wanted to tell you how my life has changed and
how I am able to put these words down on paper;
how I can look at my life differently and
face my feelings now instead of always later.
I was guided in a way I didn’t think was possible;
to people who have helped me turn my life around.
Gradually the regret has eased and the loss is more tolerable,
because belief in our eternal spirit is what I found.
The guilt has now gone and with it the pain of your leaving,
because I face each day with this belief;
that we are put on this earth for a purpose
and that one day in the future we will again meet.